you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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