it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
