She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
