Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
