You're a womanizer and a bitch.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I wear drunk well.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
