how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
