the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
