i wish my penis had a tongue
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
