I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Randomize
