If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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