Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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