see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
accomplished twins. life is a go
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Randomize
