my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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