guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Randomize
