Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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