...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
