dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize