They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
