Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
