I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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