Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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