I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
