I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
