im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
