thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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