Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
