So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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