Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
