My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Less talking, more tequila
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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