There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
