I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
