you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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