I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
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