Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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