new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
