i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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