so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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