I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
