The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
