Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
nutella sex= disaster
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
