Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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