Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
