i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
