6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
