Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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