ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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