i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
