Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
