bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
