this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
