I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize