no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
