Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
