oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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