don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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