If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
