the day after is always just damage control
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
