If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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