I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
