So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
