My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
