nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize