Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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