I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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