I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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