it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
