my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
