My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
